There were tons of pieces from The Onion this year that were soooo good - and I wanted to include them all, but by the time I'd started to write them up, my piece was already twice as long as it should have been. But I cheated and put 4 pieces into one write-up. When you think about the fact that they put out an issue EVERY WEEK - and that there are 3-4 stand out pieces every week, it's not hard to understand why I've chosen so many or how difficult it was to narrow them down to 4. So here are my favorite Onion pieces of the year with a few words (literally) about why I liked each:
Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian - Ohhhh. BURNT!
Kids, Your Mother Is Ready To Start Fucking Again - Oh man. My parents are divorced and if I'd read this when it happened (I was a teenager), I'd have probably lost my shit.
New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other - Topical. Servicey. Turning the real issue on its ear. Sanctity of marriage... Spanktity of carraige.... etc etc
Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born To Save - It's no secret that I love comedy than may bum people out, but this is just heartbreaking. Imagine how much this must ACTUALLY HAPPEN. UGH!
I Won't Have My Daughter Bringing A Black Man Into This House Until I've Tidied Up And Created A Welcoming Environment - You think he's racist, but then he's not!
New David Simon Project To Investigate Happy, Upper-Middle-Class Streets Of Wilmette, IL | The Onion & 'This American Life' Completes Documentation Of Liberal, Upper-Middle-Class Existence & Ira Glass Tries To Explain 'This American Life' At High School Reunion - Look, I love This American Life, but we all know they cover a very thin sliver of ACTUAL American life. And I have friends from Wilmette. Nothing urban or gritty happens there. David Simon would HATE IT!
Adderall Receives Honorary Degree From Harvard - This piece by the talented Molly Young in n+1 deals with Adderall in the Ivies: http://nplusonemag.com/kickstart-my-heart. And of course, The Onion kicks it up a notch.
Amazing Original Thing To Become Hated Cliché In 6 Months & Man Who Enjoys Thing Informed He Is Wrong - Outside of my taste in comedy and MAYBE vintage fashion, I like all the wrong things. I hardly listen to any music that's currently out. But who's deciding what the right things are anyway?
Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch - Poor Mitch.
Person With Almost No Responsibility Always Stressed Out & Woman Constantly Treating Herself For Once & Sometimes, Area Woman Just Feels... - These are all about me, right?
Smart, Qualified People Behind the Scenes Keeping America Safe: 'We Don't Exist' - Think of the scene in The Wizard of Oz when we find out the wizard's fake. BUMMER. (Or in The Wiz when we find out it was Richard Pryor all along.)
Sorry, I'm Just Really Bad With Names And Faces Of People Who Are Not Attractive And Can't Help Advance My Career ...... This is the person we all try not to be. BUT WE'RE ALL HORRIBLE OPPORTUNISTS!
Tea Party Plans To Recruit More Coloreds This Fall - The Tea Party is this tone deaf in real life.
Pop Culture Expert Surprisingly Not Ashamed Of Self - This could be about any blogger, but hey... I like pop culture bloggers!
Man Lives In Futuristic Sci-Fi World Where All His Interactions Take Place In Cyberspace - During really bad depressive episodes, this is basically my life. Paypal and Twitter and the whole internet in general are basically The Depression Concierge Service.
Census Finds Enough Homeless People Living In Public Library To Warrant Congressional District - I spend a lot of time at libraries and there's one in particular here in Chicago - The Harold Washington branch downtown - that this article could be about.
There were also pieces in Opium, Hobo Pancakes, Defenestration, BananaFish, The Big Jewel, Swink, Feathertale, Mental Floss, Cavalier Literary Couture and countless other pubs that I remember bookmarking over the year, but just couldn't fit in. That's the sad part about making lists. You have to leave SO MUCH OUT!
(General update: I'll TENTATIVELY - because I haven't started to write it yet - have a post on The Hairpin about free product samples. It's funnier/more exciting than it sounds, hopefully.)