Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Local Man Might As Well Just Give Up
Calling Ludauer's existence "a hopeless case from the start," Bulone called upon fellow community members to support the panel's recommendation that he immediately surrender to the gnawing void he has for years tried to keep at bay.
Doctors Find New Way To Prolong Meaningless Existence
"I used to be blissfully unaware of my pathetic, pitiable state," said Klingbell, whose Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase treatments have restored her mental faculties. "Now, the doctors say I can live on without any purpose whatsoever for years, trapped helplessly within the bleak prison of shattered dreams and blasted hopes that has been my life."
U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day
The populace's minor victory of continuing to participate in the meaningless charade that is their lives, sources said, was rendered all the more futile by the inescapable realization that they must do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so on unceasingly until the day they inevitably die.
Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest
According to the Stanford study, losers are five times more likely to suffer from negative sexual self-images than non-losers, usually because they are fat and ugly, and nobody in their right mind would ever want to date them. Further, negative feelings such as despair, self-loathing and hopelessness are three times as common among go-nowhere lowlife losers than among normal people who are not worthless as human beings.
Utter Failure To Spend Rest Of Day In Bed
Observers attribute Mayhew's utter failure of a life to a variety of factors. His lack of any employable skills makes him ill-suited for all but the most degrading menial jobs, few of which offer a living wage, leaving him in constant poverty and debt. His lack of health insurance, coupled with a diet consisting almost exclusively of Saltines and Tang, has contributed greatly to the deterioration of his physical and mental well-being. And his substandard personal hygiene, caused by his low self-esteem, as well as his enormous emotional neediness, make him extremely unattractive to members of the opposite sex as a potential romantic partner.
Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up
Despite his passion for bizarre little rituals that apparently keep him from tumbling into complete despair, over time Mendic has been forced to retire some of his habits, such as, for the love of Christ, playing Minesweeper.
Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed'
Justin, do you know what could make you feel better right off the bat? Raising your blinds and letting in some light. Because, I mean, I can believe you feel clinically depressed in that room of yours—I would, too! Anyone would. It's dark, it smells, and there's mounds of clothes and books all over the floor. Get out of bed, open the window, and do a little picking up. Accomplishing a small task could do a lot to restore your self-confidence.
...From a 1976 episode of the sketch show Tunnel Vision. It seems uncannily modern for its day, no? The sad thing is that the social ill this video is parodying - the marginalization of and undue shame associated with mental health problems - still exists today.
So don't go embarrassing yourself with depression. Take a shower. Get yourself together.
This bit comes from Patton Oswalt's My Weakness is Strong. It's phenomenal. Besides that he describes what depression is like accurately and hilariously, what I love about the Sad Boy bit is the dog analogy. For a lesser comic, the dog portion of this bit would have been a bit in and of itself, sovereign of a larger context. Not so with Patton. He's amazing. Watch this and everything else he's done.... professionally. I don't want to enable any stalkers.
Unemployed 20-Something Totally Validated By Marginal Celebrity's Fleeting Acknowledgement of Her Existence
You are REALLY OVERREACTING. I am not even REMOTELY anything you could call even a MARGINAL "celebrity." But thank you so very much for the compliment just the same.
Your piece was funny.
good luck out there,
Unemployed 20-Something Totally Validated By Marginal Celebrity’s Fleeting Acknowledgement of Her Existence”
August 2, 2010
CHICAGO, IL – In an atypical break from ennui, part-time babysitter, vintage apparel retailer, and occasional freelance writer, Chicagoan Rebecca O’Neal, 23, shared good news with her unimpressed Twitter followers early Monday morning: The Onion’s Todd Hanson had become peripherally aware of her insular existence.
After stumbling upon O’Neal’s sycophantic and stylistically hilarious online review of Hanson’s contribution to And Here’s The Kicker: Conversations with 21 Humor Writers On Their Craft, a book largely unfamiliar to non-comedy nerds, Seattle area man Peter Greyy posted its link to Hanson’s Facebook profile. Hanson, in what has been interpreted as an equal parts earnest and sarcastic response, replied, “I have decided beccaBeccaBECCA [Rebecca O’Neal’s online username] is my new favorite writer.”
Reflecting the indifference of the majority of O’Neal’s Twitter followers, @mallrat87 had this to say of Rebecca’s elation at Hanson’s acknowledgement, “@becca_oneal: Who is Todd Hanson?” Users of aspecialthing.com, the web forum on which O’Neal’s review was posted, equally rabid comedy fans and sharers of Rebecca’s apparently esoteric tastes in humor, bandied congratulations on their web peer. In a private message to O’Neal, AST user R-Rated wrote, “OMG! Todd Hanson saw your post! You’re totally internet famous now!”
Rebecca, happy to know a review she had expected to go unread and ignored found its way to Hanson, expressed her surprise and joy to her mother, who beamed with confusion and pride. “Becky is so talented. I’m glad that Hanson fellow thinks so too. He seems like an important man. I see copies of The Onionat libraries sometimes. Maybe now she’ll leave the house more often.”
O’Neal assured reporters that there was a “fat chance” of that happening as she blogged about her unlikely brush with celebrity.