They're funny because they're true! The Onion's fake news is more honest than any reporting I've ever seen.
Local Man Might As Well Just Give Up
Calling Ludauer's existence "a hopeless case from the start," Bulone called upon fellow community members to support the panel's recommendation that he immediately surrender to the gnawing void he has for years tried to keep at bay.
Doctors Find New Way To Prolong Meaningless Existence
"I used to be blissfully unaware of my pathetic, pitiable state," said Klingbell, whose Noexitoxythalynucleothylinase treatments have restored her mental faculties. "Now, the doctors say I can live on without any purpose whatsoever for years, trapped helplessly within the bleak prison of shattered dreams and blasted hopes that has been my life."
U.S. Populace Lurches Methodically Through The Motions For Yet Another Day
The populace's minor victory of continuing to participate in the meaningless charade that is their lives, sources said, was rendered all the more futile by the inescapable realization that they must do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and so on and so on unceasingly until the day they inevitably die.
Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest
According to the Stanford study, losers are five times more likely to suffer from negative sexual self-images than non-losers, usually because they are fat and ugly, and nobody in their right mind would ever want to date them. Further, negative feelings such as despair, self-loathing and hopelessness are three times as common among go-nowhere lowlife losers than among normal people who are not worthless as human beings.
Utter Failure To Spend Rest Of Day In Bed
Observers attribute Mayhew's utter failure of a life to a variety of factors. His lack of any employable skills makes him ill-suited for all but the most degrading menial jobs, few of which offer a living wage, leaving him in constant poverty and debt. His lack of health insurance, coupled with a diet consisting almost exclusively of Saltines and Tang, has contributed greatly to the deterioration of his physical and mental well-being. And his substandard personal hygiene, caused by his low self-esteem, as well as his enormous emotional neediness, make him extremely unattractive to members of the opposite sex as a potential romantic partner.
Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up
Despite his passion for bizarre little rituals that apparently keep him from tumbling into complete despair, over time Mendic has been forced to retire some of his habits, such as, for the love of Christ, playing Minesweeper.
Son, We'd All Like To Lie Around All Day Being 'Clinically Depressed'
Justin, do you know what could make you feel better right off the bat? Raising your blinds and letting in some light. Because, I mean, I can believe you feel clinically depressed in that room of yours—I would, too! Anyone would. It's dark, it smells, and there's mounds of clothes and books all over the floor. Get out of bed, open the window, and do a little picking up. Accomplishing a small task could do a lot to restore your self-confidence.
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